My goals do not seem congruent with my lifestyle, unless I am really just a maniacal genius that shits out GREAT WORK ALL OF THE TIME with little to no effort. I am starting to wonder/worry if this path I took (a “baby step” into academia by way of a terminal master’s meant to flow into a ph.d.) is more convoluted than it needed to be. I’m more worried that I have perhaps misread my ability to apply a women’s studies masters into another field of social science. I’m also starting to feel a lot like I have to choose academia over personal relationships, but that could just be me and my poor budgeting of time/totally fucked view of what “spending enough time together” even entails.
I have a lot of concerns and instead of like, addressing them, this is what happens.
I can’t even enjoy going out anymore, because all I can think about is how much work I have to do and how little my (non-student) friends understand. It’s getting to the point where I’m much happier staying in, drinking beer, and doing my work. The only real exception is seeing my boyfriend, which I will often choose over working — paradoxically, for the same reasons I reject going out with others. He makes me forget about work, because he has so little to be concerned with himself. I really look up to that; it must honestly be nice to just sort of happy with where you’re at and have no real ambition at all and just take things as they come. I’m too neurotic for that life.
I used to think maybe dating someone like him would be a bad thing. He can’t possibly understand or enjoy what I care about, but I’m starting to realize that is an incredibly awesome characteristic to have. He doesn’t love me for what I’m “into” or for what I care about, he just loves me for who I am on a very basic level. It’s great to be with someone who has totally separate concerns.
This still doesn’t make me feel like less of a shitty friend for wanting to put a moratorium on going out. I’d be up for getting lunch with my friends or grabbing a drink, but I fear my “nights of drinking” have come to an end. It takes up too much time that I need to spend on my research, and it fucks up my entire afternoon thereafter. Maybe I’m just grouchy and old. Maybe I’m overwhelmed and need to retreat back into myself, into my apartment or near my boyfriend - both places I feel safe and calm. Anything else leaves me wildly anxious and with a sense of impending doom.
No Klonopin, no weed, no alcohol, no nothing. Someone just give me a fucking opiate.
to hear, “I’m not being mean, you’re just being too sensitive” come out of a mouth that isn’t mine directed to ears that are, in fact, mine.
Other oft-repeated Deannaisms I’ve heard today include, “You’re acting like a petulant, hormonal teenager” and “I’m kind, you’re just a baby.”
I guess we all get what we deserve eventually, right? I’m going to go back to being insensitive and impenetrable so no one has to be the baby in this relationship ever again. It was more comfortable that way, anyway.
The salient, most fucked up part of this is that in reality, I’m mostly upset that somehow, I’ve taken on the “baby” mantle. I don’t really understand not being #1. How am *I* the one perceived as weaker? Is this serious?
gay community i have a suprise for you
there’s queers who swing both ways
there’s queers who usually like the same sex but fancy someone/people of the opposite sex
go fuck yourself
and your teagan&sara obsession
la la la la my life is perfect
Small places have such charm. They’re easy to clean. They feel homey. I always feel like I have to work so hard to feel comfortable in a big place. I love having my little room with the attached bathroom and a teeny, tiny apartment that is just big enough for all the stuff that I currently have and nothing more.
Real conclusions from the history of the past 13 years, which I’m currently writing.
Let’s disrupt some narratives.
This is a huuuuuge project so if you want to help out let me know!
Tired of a history in which punk, hardcore & post-punk are cleaved. Tired of women disappearing from the history from 1981-1990 and then like 1994-2001. Tired of queercore being a footnote. Tired of overwhelming whiteness.
get in on this! totally pumped to be helping.
HOLY SHIT HOW CAN I HELP