Failure to Thrive

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lurid-fragment:

shallowxgraves:

Instantly suspicious of any male who calls themselves a feminist instead of an ally

You feel suspicion? It’s more like blind rage for me at this point, whoops 

I like the word “disgust” to describe my feelings.

(Source: manicpixiedreamgh0ul)

My goals do not seem congruent with my lifestyle, unless I am really just a maniacal genius that shits out GREAT WORK ALL OF THE TIME with little to no effort. I am starting to wonder/worry if this path I took (a “baby step” into academia by way of a terminal master’s meant to flow into a ph.d.) is more convoluted than it needed to be. I’m more worried that I have perhaps misread my ability to apply a women’s studies masters into another field of social science. I’m also starting to feel a lot like I have to choose academia over personal relationships, but that could just be me and my poor budgeting of time/totally fucked view of what “spending enough time together” even entails.

I have a lot of concerns and instead of like, addressing them, this is what happens.

Paradigm shifts

I can’t even enjoy going out anymore, because all I can think about is how much work I have to do and how little my (non-student) friends understand. It’s getting to the point where I’m much happier staying in, drinking beer, and doing my work. The only real exception is seeing my boyfriend, which I will often choose over working — paradoxically, for the same reasons I reject going out with others. He makes me forget about work, because he has so little to be concerned with himself. I really look up to that; it must honestly be nice to just sort of happy with where you’re at and have no real ambition at all and just take things as they come. I’m too neurotic for that life.

I used to think maybe dating someone like him would be a bad thing. He can’t possibly understand or enjoy what I care about, but I’m starting to realize that is an incredibly awesome characteristic to have. He doesn’t love me for what I’m “into” or for what I care about, he just loves me for who I am on a very basic level. It’s great to be with someone who has totally separate concerns.

This still doesn’t make me feel like less of a shitty friend for wanting to put a moratorium on going out. I’d be up for getting lunch with my friends or grabbing a drink, but I fear my “nights of drinking” have come to an end. It takes up too much time that I need to spend on my research, and it fucks up my entire afternoon thereafter. Maybe I’m just grouchy and old. Maybe I’m overwhelmed and need to retreat back into myself, into my apartment or near my boyfriend - both places I feel safe and calm. Anything else leaves me wildly anxious and with a sense of impending doom.

I've been using BB cream for months and didn't know it.

I’m so bad at being a girl.

This girl is FIERCE.

This girl is FIERCE.

(Source: realitytvgifs)

lolitas:

always

lolitas:

always

(Source: beysoldweave)

GPOY every day

GPOY every day

(Source: the-king-of-ponytails)

I date the same people every time and oh god, I just want some oxy right now, really badly.

No Klonopin, no weed, no alcohol, no nothing. Someone just give me a fucking opiate.

Aug 9
spacecataz:

I’ve been hearing a lot of buzz about “B.B.” creams and never really understood what that meant. But when I went to get some beauty gear at the drug store yesterday I saw that L’Oreal had their own new line of this B.B. cream stuff, and since I’m in LOVE with L’Oreal everything and trust them, I decided to try it. 
Just used it for the first time.
Ho. Ly. CRAP.
This stuff is a miracle! I thought the Magic Lumi primer was bitchin’, but this blows the candles off that cake. It does have a matte finish, which is not a look I go for in the summer, but I have Physician’s Formula Happy Booster glow powder (which I also adore.. the smell really does make you happy!) to add shimmer anyway. Dude, my skin looks FLAWLESS. I do have a zit on my upper chin right next to my beautiful hot lips :( It didn’t really cover it, but I’m sure once I use my Magic Lumi concealer it’ll be like POW. I’ll try and update later and see how it stands up my my wear & tear day of being out in the world and getting a little sweaty, which is inevitable when you’re me.

GOTTA TRY THIS. 

spacecataz:

I’ve been hearing a lot of buzz about “B.B.” creams and never really understood what that meant. But when I went to get some beauty gear at the drug store yesterday I saw that L’Oreal had their own new line of this B.B. cream stuff, and since I’m in LOVE with L’Oreal everything and trust them, I decided to try it. 

Just used it for the first time.

Ho. Ly. CRAP.

This stuff is a miracle! I thought the Magic Lumi primer was bitchin’, but this blows the candles off that cake. It does have a matte finish, which is not a look I go for in the summer, but I have Physician’s Formula Happy Booster glow powder (which I also adore.. the smell really does make you happy!) to add shimmer anyway. Dude, my skin looks FLAWLESS. I do have a zit on my upper chin right next to my beautiful hot lips :( It didn’t really cover it, but I’m sure once I use my Magic Lumi concealer it’ll be like POW. I’ll try and update later and see how it stands up my my wear & tear day of being out in the world and getting a little sweaty, which is inevitable when you’re me.

GOTTA TRY THIS. 

Aug 9

I’m sure most of you will be glad to know that it’s really jarring

to hear, “I’m not being mean, you’re just being too sensitive” come out of a mouth that isn’t mine directed to ears that are, in fact, mine.

Other oft-repeated Deannaisms I’ve heard today include, “You’re acting like a petulant, hormonal teenager” and “I’m kind, you’re just a baby.”

I guess we all get what we deserve eventually, right? I’m going to go back to being insensitive and impenetrable so no one has to be the baby in this relationship ever again. It was more comfortable that way, anyway.

The salient, most fucked up part of this is that in reality, I’m mostly upset that somehow, I’ve taken on the “baby” mantle. I don’t really understand not being #1. How am *I* the one perceived as weaker? Is this serious?